What’s in a name: a story about failed expectations, one lazy man, oranges and a smile
I had a dating fiasco and the outcome was so worth it
How it all started
Since the age of 19 I was enamored with social dances. There is something magical about the way people let go and lose themselves in the rhythm, music, moves and one another. Social dances are all about how you feel and not how you look, that is why it still gives me an immense pleasure to watch people dance.
I used to travel a lot before the pandemic: different places, new people, constant changes. And then I suddenly found myself stuck in my home city: same people, same scenery, same job. There was one great thing about the pandemic though: when most public places resumed their work after the several month’s confinement, I could finally make my long-time dream come true — I could start taking dance classes. Before the pandemic I moved around a lot, so there was no point in starting something I couldn’t commit to, but when I was finally living in one city with no intention to leave, I told myself that that was my chance and I would be foolish not to take it.
We danced and I felt my heart beating faster. We danced and I felt confident and beautiful and happy. We danced and I felt everything.
That’s where I met him
I had been taking classes for several months already. I chose two styles: bachata and kizomba, and I was in love with both. I learnt the basics, mastered a few moves, started letting go and enjoying myself like those people who I had watched in the streets did. When I started in summer I took 2 hours of classes per week, in autumn — 4, in winter — 6, and I couldn’t get enough. In winter, when I joined yet another group, I met him. We danced and I felt my heart beating faster. We danced and I felt confident and beautiful and happy. We danced and I felt everything. We barely spoke, just danced. He was tall and knew the moves. I wouldn’t necessarily call him handsome, but his kind eyes and a sincere smile did the trick. I had probably the strongest crush of my life.
I was looking forward to each class and to each party (our dance school organises dance parties at the weekends, where we can have more practice). I made sure to look my best, so that he would notice me and invite me to dance. I didn’t have to wait long, I caught his attention.
Reality check
For a few weeks we exchanged smiles and I caught his eyes on me from time to time during classes. He invited me to dance and we danced a lot, like we couldn’t get enough of the music, ambience and each other. My mind was telling me that everything was too good to be true, that there had to be a catch, but my heart wanted it to be real.
One day after the class we stayed for the party. He invited me to dance and countess songs later he asked me out for a glass of wine after the party. Hardly have we left the dance school, when I felt that something was off. We talked, but we weren’t engaged in a conversation, and the initial mutual interest started to fade away.
I still wanted to give it a try and find out more about the person who caught my attention. But my crush, as it turned out 15 minutes later, wasn’t interested in getting to know me at all. We went to a local grocery shop to get a bottle of wine, and then I realised that I stupidly misread his intentions: he hadn’t asked me out for a drink, he had implied that we would go to his place instead. And while I think that there is nothing wrong with a one-night-stand, I am a firm believer that a man has to work for it. What happened to the art of seduction? What happened to flirting, giving compliments and inviting a woman out for a date? For the first time in my life a man wanted to put zero effort and still get the desired outcome. I wasn’t disappointed, just confused. And, blinded with confusion and the initial desire to get to know the person in front of me, I was still willing to let the evening unfold. “We’ll just have a glass of wine and then I’ll go home”, — I told myself (and to him as well, in case he wanted to uninvite me).
I was just an easy target for this man, just one of many girls who fell for his charm.
From confusion to absurdity to relief
He bought a bottle of wine and some oranges, and then we headed to his place. That moment everything inside of me was screaming to turn around and go home, but I was still looking for an excuse, as if my desire to part ways wasn’t a good enough reason for leaving.
We were on the way to his apartment when I remembered an out-of-ordinary situation that had happened earlier that day. Several hours prior I went to grab some food with another guy from my dance group. We chatted a bit, and, to cut a long story short, I found out that this guy didn’t know my name. This was fine with me as there are quite a few people in our school, so it is rather challenging to remember everyone by their names. But it’s one thing to invite a person to dance and engage in a small talk during the break, and another to invite a person to your place to Netflix and chill.
My crush and I had never introduced ourselves, but I knew his name, which is why I was sure that he knew mine, too. I thought I was being ridiculous, but I still dared to ask : “What is my name ?”. At this easy, but yet so difficult question my crush’s expression turned from confused to horrified. That very second the reality crashed down on me with the full force: I was just an easy target for this man, just one of many girls who fell for his charm. And while he was nice and respectful, any kind of relationship with women meant so little to him, that he didn’t even care to remember (or ask) what my name was. Maybe I should have felt disappointed, but instead all I felt was relief. For the first time in my life I was able to walk away and feel strong, empowered and beautiful. That was my moment of lift, as despite the fact that I found myself in a completely ridiculous situation, I bore no negative feelings neither against myself, nor against the person in front of me.
What made it all worth it
We parted ways: my ex-crush went home with the bottle of wine we meant to drink together, while I went back to my place with the oranges he gave me as a compensation for the awkward situation. I didn’t want to take them, but he insisted and I just wanted our time together to be over, so it was easier to accept the fruit.
When I was on my way home this “compensation” was giving me a bizarre feeling I couldn’t shake. I decided to get rid of oranges before I made it home. It was easy to just throw them away, but it felt like such a waste, that I wouldn’t dare do it.
I started a small talk with a woman who sat next to me on the bus. Nowadays there are so many people who are tired and irritated after another day of work, but she was nice and friendly, and one should never take another person’s kindness for granted. I liked her. She made me smile and I asked her to help me out and relieve me of my “burden”. She was confused when I asked her to take a bag of delicious looking fruit away from me, but she accepted anyway. She told me she had children, and that they hadn’t eaten oranges this year yet. That’s how I earned a stranger’s smile and how my day came to its wonderful conclusion.
Final thoughts
Maybe everything does happen for a reason
If I hadn’t gone out to grab a bite with a guy from my dance group earlier that evening, I might have never realised that my name was a mystery to some partners. If I hadn’t asked my crush what my name was, I might have ended up at his place and regretted it. If I had ended up at his place I would have never met that woman, I would have never given her oranges or made her smile and she would have never made me smile in return.
Why would some women sell themselves short
According to Rosemary Basson, American psychiatrist and researcher, men’s sexual desire is primarily influenced by hormones, while women’s motivation lies in sharing intimacy. The reality is that not all people want or need a serious commitment, which is completely acceptable in our era. But I still keep wondering what pushes women to go to bed with men who treat them no better than objects — faceless and disposable.
It pains me to realise that there are women who forget how smart, beautiful and special they are.
I am not here to judge other people’s choices. Sometimes I make questionable decisions myself (hence the situation described in this article). But it makes me utterly sad to think that there are women who settle for cheap men and let themselves get used. It pains me to realise that there are women who forget how smart, beautiful and special they are. Because, dear ladies, men are not the problem. Some men may have become lazy, selfish and spoiled, but that’s only because we let them to. We started selling ourselves short, we became easy targets and now we have to pay the price. We are fully responsible for the situation, which is why it is up to us to change it.
It is up to us when it comes to our appearance, health, attitude and feeling of self-worth. It is up to us when it comes to choosing a partner, a friend or a lover. We are in charge, just like the men are. And we should never ever let that power be taken away.
